somalipirate

We did not receive a positive response from the United States after our romantic gesture. In spite of a mutual love of the sea, America will not be our girlfriend. Oh, they will live to rue this day!

From U.S. News and World Report:

Why the U.S. Military Is Wary of Open Warfare With Somali Pirates

I'll tell you why. It's because we are bad-ass motherfuckers, that's why. Cut through all the state department niceties coming out of Washington, and you will see that America won't be our girlfriend because we are too virile and bloodthirsty. They prefer to sit on their plush couches and watch the Andy Griffith Show.

"That's weird" you'll wonder "I don't remember Opie firing an RPG at Gomer Pyle." No, silly American, it is OUR SPEEDBOATS pulling up to your shores and shooting RPGs at YOUR HOUSE. We've adopted a stealth technology using Snuggies and we will destroy your villages undetected.

Sleep tight, jerks.