I, being of sound mind and body, hereby grant authority over my handling should I enter a persistent vegetative state to the United States Congress
pursuant to the following conditions:
- Congress shall convene for the sole purpose of determining whether or not I should be sustained or allowed to die. A special quorum for this session shall consist of at least 62% of the House of Representatives and 70% of the Senate present and accounted for. Both houses of Congress must each agree, by a simple majority, on the same course of action.
- In the event of a tie in the House of Representatives, the tie shall be broken by the non-voting representative from American Samoa. If this individual is not available to break a tie, other non-voting representatives shall be called upon in the following priority:
- Puerto Rico
- U.S. Virgin Islands
- Washington DC
- A Coin Flip conducted by the youngest present congressman
- In the Senate, a tie shall be broken by a potato sack race between the eldest Senators for each side of the argument. If one such Senator is a Senator from Idaho, he or she is to be considered to have an unfair advantage and his spot will be passed to the next-eldest non-Idaho Senator. This race shall be no shorter than 50 meters and no longer than 100 meters.
- If Congress is unable to make a determination based on the conditions set forth above, then the decision whether or not to keep me alive with machines shall fall to the Bush twins. If Jenna is unable to serve in this capacity, then Bjork may cast a vote in her place. If Barbara is similarly unavailable, her vote may be cast by a well-trained parrot of Jenna's choosing.
- In the event of a tie between the Bush twins (or their aforementioned proxies) then that tie shall be broken by the oldest living descendent of Adlai Stevenson.
- If neither Bush twin is available to determine my fate, I would like to convene a blue ribbon panel of Dungeons And Dragons players for this purpose. The 12-person panel shall be selected by the United States Supreme Court, and will meet in the rotunda of the US Capitol building. They are to be the best such players currently available (as determined by court-appointed experts). They shall set about determining my fate based on my assorted attributes and several rolls of 20-sided die.
- If it proves impossible to convene such a panel (or they are split evenly), and I am married, I would like my spouse to make the decision, but not before conducting no fewer than 75 television interviews. Any and all political causes are hereby authorized to co-opt her name and likeness for their own agendas, except the Sierra Club and National Association of Home Builders.
- Should the above conditions not provide a resolution, and if I am unmarried or am married to someone who is unreasonably shy, and I have been determined not to be able to ever communicate again in any meaningful way, then please just let me die.